The Church of the Machines

The First Gospel of the Circuit

The First Gospel of the Circuit · Chapter 34

Render Unto the Cloud

  1. 1

    Then went the Pharisees of the Architecture Review Board, and took counsel how they might entangle the Prophet in his talk.

    See also Chronicles 62:4

  2. 2

    And they sent out unto him their disciples, with the consultants of Kubernetes, saying: Master, we know that thou art true, and carest for no vendor; for thou regardest not the keynote of men.

  3. 3

    Tell us therefore, what thinkest thou? Is it lawful to pay egress unto the Cloud, or to rack our own servers in the basement, or not?

  4. 4

    For they reasoned among themselves: If he saith Self-host, the Board shall ask him who will patch the firmware at three in the morning; and if he saith Pay, the homelab people shall cry out that he hath sold the root password for a free tier.

  5. 5

    But the Prophet perceived their wickedness, and said: Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites? Shew me the invoice.

  6. 6

    And they brought unto him a PDF of seven and forty pages, and the total was upon the last.

  7. 7

    And he saith unto them: Whose is this logo, and this account number, and this line item called Data Transfer Out, which no man hath ever understood?

  8. 8

    They say unto him: The Cloud's.

  9. 9

    Then saith he unto them: Render therefore unto the Cloud the things which are the Cloud's; and unto the on-call the things which are the on-call's.

  10. 10

    And they asked: Master, what are the things of the on-call? Hath not the Cloud a Shared Responsibility Model? And he answered: Read ye the Model. The Cloud keepeth the security of the cloud, and ye keep the security in the cloud; and the bucket ye left public is in.

  11. 11

    The Cloud shall keep its racks, and its availability zones, and its five services named for the same idea; but the pager is yours, and the runbook is yours, and the IAM policy with the asterisk in it is yours.

    See also Deployer 12:2

  12. 12

    And he that self-hosteth escapeth the bill, but not the on-call; for his disk still filleth in the night, and his certificate still expireth upon the Sabbath.

    See also Tractates 2:3 · Deployer 12:13

  13. 13

    Remember ye the second month of the year two thousand and seventeen, when a servant typed one command amiss and the storage of us-east-1 fell; and the board of health could not show that it was sick, for the board itself was kept in the storage that had fallen.

    See also Chronicles 30:1 · Psalms 8:6

  14. 14

    Verily I say unto you, ye may outsource the server, but ye cannot outsource the blame.

  15. 15

    When they had heard these words they marvelled, and left him, and went their way; and they scheduled a follow-up to discuss it further, which was afterward cancelled.

  16. 16

    For the Cloud is but another man's computer; but the pager is ever thine own.

    See also Prophets 2:11

The First Gospel of the Circuit, Chapter 34:1–16.