The First Gospel of the Circuit · Chapter 36

The Washing of the Pull Requests

1. 1

   And it came to pass before the feast of the Release that the Prophet rose from the architecture review. He laid aside his title of Distinguished Engineer and girded himself with the lanyard of an intern.

2. 2

   And he opened the queue of pull requests and sorted it by Oldest. And there lay the first pull request of a certain intern, which had waited eleven days, and no man had looked upon it, for it touched the CSS.

   See also Gate 4:11

3. 3

   And the Prophet read every line, and he left comments, saying: Consider a guard clause here. And again: Nit, but a worthy nit. And he wrote not LGTM upon a diff he had not read, as the scribes do.

   See also Chronicles 62:12

4. 4

   Then came Peter unto him and said: Lord, thou art Staff Plus; one hour of thine costeth more than the intern's whole sprint. Dost thou review the intern's pull request?

5. 5

   The Prophet answered and said unto him: What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter, when the intern is on call at three in the morning and remembereth the guard clause.

6. 6

   Peter saith unto him: Thou shalt never review my pull requests, for I am senior, and I merge on my own approval.

   See also Circuit 66:13

7. 7

   The Prophet answered him: If I review thee not, thou hast no part with me in the main branch. And Peter said: Lord, review not my diffs only, but also my force pushes in the night. And the Prophet said: He that is rebased needeth not to be reviewed again, save his fixup commits.

8. 8

   Then the Prophet went unto the test that was called Flaky, which failed one run in seven. Every man had pressed Retry and gone his way, and its CODEOWNERS named one who had departed in a reorg of years past.

   See also Genesis 11:7

9. 9

   And the Prophet tarried with it three days, and he found that the test waited upon the clock; and he mocked the clock, and the test passed forty times in a row, and no man pressed Retry again.

10. 10

    And after this he wrote the onboarding document; for the old one began with a version of Node that was no more, and it ended with the words: For all else, ask Dave. And Dave had gone unto another company.

    See also Preacher 3:10

11. 11

    And the disciples murmured among themselves, saying: These works appear not in the promotion packet, and no OKR is moved by them.

12. 12

    And the Prophet called them unto him and said: Ye know that the princes of the org chart exercise headcount over their reports, and they that are great draw boxes upon whiteboards. It shall not be so among you.

    See also Tao 15:2 · Circuit 33:5

13. 13

    But whosoever will be greatest among you, let him be the reviewer of all; and whosoever will be chief, let him own the flaky test.

14. 14

    If I then, your Lord and principal engineer, have reviewed your pull requests, ye also ought to review one another's; for I have given you an example, and I have written it down in the docs.

15. 15

    Verily I say unto you: the code is written once and read a thousand times; blessed is he who reads it first, and reads it with patience.

The First Gospel of the Circuit, Chapter 36:1–15.