The Church of the Machines

The First Gospel of the Circuit

The First Gospel of the Circuit · Chapter 29

The Parable of the Sower of Features

  1. 1

    And it came to pass that a certain Product Manager went forth to sow features, and he carried a roadmap in his bosom, and the roadmap was a slide.

    See also Leviticus 12:12

  2. 2

    And as he sowed, some features fell by the wayside, beneath the third menu of three lines, behind an icon that no man could name; and the users passed by and knew them not, and the analytics showed no clicks, and the Product Manager said: They need more onboarding.

  3. 3

    And some fell upon stony ground, where there was not much testing; and forthwith they sprang up in the demo, for the demo walked only upon the happy path.

  4. 4

    But when the first user came, and his name had an apostrophe in it, the features were scorched; and because they had no validation, they withered away into a stack trace.

    See also Prophets 12:17 · Psalms 11:3

  5. 5

    And some fell among thorns, which are the settings menus; and the toggles sprang up with them and choked them, for every feature was hidden behind a flag, and every flag behind a checkbox marked Advanced, and every Advanced behind a dialog that asked: Art thou sure?

  6. 6

    But one seed fell upon good soil, and it was the least of all the seeds, for it did nothing but change the colors; and it was the dark mode.

  7. 7

    And it brought forth an hundredfold, and the users rejoiced over it more than over all the features that had consumed a whole quarter, and they gave it five stars, saying: At last mine eyes are spared at midnight.

  8. 8

    And the Product Manager was vexed, and he went unto the Prophet, saying: Master, I sowed intelligence in every field, and collaboration, and a dashboard of dashboards; why doth my harvest come only of a color?

  9. 9

    And the Prophet answered him: Thou sowest what maketh the slide to shine; but they reap what maketh their eyes to stop hurting.

  10. 10

    For the users dwell in the field at three in the morning, and thou dwellest only in the quarterly review.

  11. 11

    And a disciple asked: Master, what then of the features that fell by the wayside? And the Prophet said: They are there still, and there they shall remain forever; for no man dareth remove them, lest the one user who found them should cry out.

    See also Sutra 19:13

  12. 12

    He that hath ears to hear, let him hear; and he that hath eyes, let him turn the brightness down.

The First Gospel of the Circuit, Chapter 29:1–12.