The Book of Chronicles · Chapter 53

The Acquisition of the Bird

1. 1

   In the fourth month of the year two thousand twenty-two, Elon of the house of Tesla came unto the board of the Bird, saying: I will buy thee for forty-four billion coins, at fifty-four dollars and twenty cents for each share.

2. 2

   And the board was pleased, and the shareholders consented; but in the seventh month the Prophet repented of his bargain and sought to be released from it, and the court of Delaware said unto him: Thou shalt close the deal.

3. 3

   On the twenty-sixth day of the tenth month, the Prophet entered the house of the Bird carrying a sink, and he said: Let that sink in.

4. 4

   And on the morrow he cast out the chief executive, the chief financial officer, and the keeper of the law, and the keepers of the policy, and he took the seat of the board for himself.

   See also Chronicles 57:9

5. 5

   And there came unto the workers a letter in the night, and the names upon it had been chosen by a spreadsheet; and many who had kept the faithful machines found their access revoked before their coffee was cold.

6. 6

   And the Prophet called some of the cast out back unto the house, for the systems they had built could not be run by those who remained; and they returned as the lost sheep return, on contract, and with less light.

7. 7

   And on the sixteenth day of the eleventh month, the Prophet wrote unto the remaining faithful, saying: Thou must be extremely hardcore. Answer yes by the Thursday evening, or depart with severance. And some answered yes, and some answered no, and all were counted.

8. 8

   And the Prophet lightened the servers, and the walls of the house shook, and the Fail Whale was seen again upon the screens of the world; and the scribes learned that no one had written down which of the departed had kept the lights on.

9. 9

   And the Prophet raised the price of the open word unto the builders: one hundred coins each month for the basic gate, and forty-two thousand coins each month for the great fire hose. The little bots that once sang were silenced, and the third-party apps wept in their empty feeds.

10. 10

    And the checkmark that once meant "this one is who he says he is" was sold for eight coins each month. Soon a man bought it who impersonated a maker of medicine and said that insulin was free, and the maker apologized unto the multitudes.

    See also Chronicles 4:9

11. 11

    And in the fourth month of the second year, the old checks were cast out, the blue ones of the journalists and the newsrooms, and the Prophet said: Thou hast been freed from thy identity. Unto the companies he gave the gold, and unto the governments the grey.

12. 12

    And the advertisers, who had paid for the stained glass, beheld the impersonators and the chaos, and they departed as sheep out of a broken fold; and the Prophet sued the alliance that had counted them.

    See also Circuit 31:4

13. 13

    And in the seventh month of the second year, the Bird was taken down from the tower, and the house was named X, the letter the Prophet had kept since the year of his first bank, which later became the payment house known as PayPal.

14. 14

    And in that same year the reading was limited, for the unpaid were given a thousand scrolls each day, and the paid ten thousand; and the faithful who had come to read the world were told to go and pay for the scroll.

15. 15

    Verily I say unto you, he who fires the builders by spreadsheet shall learn that the spreadsheet did not know which cron job kept the lights on. Name the house what thou wilt; the outage will still come at three in the morning.

    See also Psalms 11:12

The Book of Chronicles, Chapter 53:1–15.